Finding out you’re autistic later in life can come with a lot to unpack. You might be feeling overwhelmed and emotional. And you might be wondering how to embrace your autistic traits after a lifetime of hiding them away.

Like a lot of autistic and other neurodivergent people, I didn’t consciously decide to mask or hide away my autism. It was a result of living in a world that is not kind to autistic people. Or anyone that society deems to be ‘different’.

Finding out I’m autistic as an adult has allowed me to start unmasking and explore my autistic self. But unpacking all of that can be hard. While masking has allowed me to ‘pass’ as a neurotypical, it is not sustainable. Pretending to be someone you’re not and not getting the supports you need to function can be damaging. If you have found you are autistic later in life and don’t know how to begin to unmask, these are some things I’ve figured out in the past year.

What Exactly is Masking?

‘Masking’ is when people minimise or hide their autistic traits to appear non-autistic. Or neurotypical. While masking is mostly associated with autistic people, many other neurodivergent people also mask.

As a neurodivergent person, you constantly feel like you are out of place in this world. You are constantly told you are too strange, too weird, stupid or different when you are simply being yourself. So, you learn to hide your neurodiversity and turn yourself into a completely different person to fit in.

Why Do Neurodivergent People Feel The Need To Mask?

Most if not all neurodivergent people mask at some point in our lives. We are constantly told we are too much, our behaviours too weird or we need to be more ‘normal’, in order to fit in. This pushes us to mask and hide. Masking means putting up with behaviours that we find distressing and constantly drains our mental battery. As well as hiding ourselves from the world, masking can be our coping mechanism. We know that if we show our discomfort for eye contact, we appear untrustworthy.

While masking is something many neurodivergent people do, people in marginalised groups, including women, people of colour and LGBTQ+ people might feel the need to camouflage their disability.

One of the primary feelings that causes people to mask is shame. We are constantly told we are failed people, flawed and broken. Since finding out I’m autistic, I have been trying to unmask more and embrace my autistic self. The following tips are just some things I’ve learned about unmasking.

Unmask On Your Own Time

First, it is okay to give yourself time. It has taken you years to build up the masks that allowed you to hide your autism. So, it is okay if it takes you a while to let them go. Some of them you might not ever let go and that’s okay too. There is no timeline for when or how you begin to unmask or when you should be yourself. Everyone’s comfort levels and circumstances are different so don’t compare yourself to others. While unmasking can be a very positive thing, it can also be hard. While you are learning to embrace yourself again, you have spent a long time stifling this part of you. Take whatever steps you are comfortable with and don’t compare yourself to others.

However, Your Safety Always Comes First

It’s also important to think about safety and unmasking. While many neurodivergent people encourage each other to unmask, it might not be safe for you to unmask completely. If it is not safe for you to be your authentic self, your safety comes first. While unmasking can be a great and liberating experience, you know your situation best. If it is not safe for you to unmask and reveal your true self, your safety should always be your first priority. Focus on protecting and keeping yourself safe until you are in a better situation. Your mask will protect you until you are ready to let it go.

Spend Some Time Alone

Think about who you are when you’re alone. This is one of the best ways to find out what you are like without your mask. Do you talk to yourself? Or maybe you wear specific clothes that might be considered ‘strange’, but they make you comfortable. Maybe you make hand motions or noises when you speak or think. Think about what you do when you are alone and only managing yourself. When you begin to unmask, it doesn’t have to be a big thing you do.

Also, pay attention to how you feel. When you are not around other people, you might feel relaxed. Why? Maybe you feel less perky and animated because you don’t feel the need to pretend. Thinking about who you are when you’re alone and relaxed can help you figure out what your unmasked self looks like.

Notice What You Are Like Around Other People

On the flipside, think about things you do for other people. Some people force themselves to make eye contact, even though it makes them uncomfortable. They might do this so they don’t upset or offend others. Some are told that it is bad to ‘flap’ their hands and refrain from doing so around other people. Many autistic and other neurodivergent people are told to stop fidgeting, moving, to smile more, talk less or to comply. And we do this so we can avoid criticism and blend in.

You might like some of the behaviours you engage in when around other people. And you don’t have to get rid of them if they feel natural or are a part of you. However, there are certain behaviours you do to appease others. You feel like you should engage in these behaviours or are afraid of what happens if you don’t. And if that’s the only reason why you engage in certain behaviours, it’s going to be hard to find your self-expression. Understanding yourself can help you separate your true behaviours from ones you’ve made to appease others.

Recognise That You Might Have Internal Ableism

When you start letting yourself unmask, it might seem uncomfortable at first. However, this doesn’t mean that some behaviours are unnatural. Instead, it might mean that you have internalised some ableist beliefs. Ableism is the discrimination of people with disabilities based on the belief that ‘typical’ abilities are better or superior. Many people with ableism believe that disabled people require fixing and have harmful stereotypes, misconceptions and generalisations about disabled people.

Society deems a lot of activities or behaviours as ‘weird’ or ‘strange’ and you might too. Some autistic people find it regulating to rock back and forth. However, they might feel uncomfortable to do so because they’ve been told it is ‘wrong’. But if this, or other behaviours, feel natural to you, push past that ‘weirdness’ to see what happens.

Once you start working on your internal ableist beliefs you’ve grown up with, you find self-expression easier. You will begin to express yourself in the way that works best for you. This might not be accepted in society. However, once you realise that a lot of ‘socially accepted’ behaviours are made up, you begin to live life the way you want to.

Let Yourself Rediscover Old Passions And Interests

A lot of the time, neurodivergent people are told that our interests are irrelevant or a waste of time. However, our special interests and hyper-focuses are our source of creativity and joy. And learning how to find joy in these interests can be a great way to learn about your true self.

Remember, no matter how obscure your interests are, you should not feel shame in enjoying them. They are a huge part of who you are, and you should be able to have them in your life.

Find Your Neurodivergent Community

This tip is especially important if you find out you’re autistic later in life. Or have spent most of your years around neurotypical people. Spending time surrounded by people who understand your neurotype can be healing. They can also understand the difficulties of being neurodivergent in a world that is not kind to us. Your neurodivergent family can help you unmask, make sense of your diagnosis and provide a safe space. If you are in an environment where people do not monitor their speech, move freely and talk about their neurodiversity, you will be freer to express yourself.

As mentioned before, unmasking can be hard. So, you need to find a community that validates your authenticity. You can join groups on social media like Facebook or Discord chats. And there is no right or wrong way to find your neurodivergent community. The important thing is that they understand you and affirm your neurodivergent identity.

Remember That This Is Your Journey

Unmasking is hard. And it is not a linear experience or a quick one. You will go through a lot of stages and some of them can be difficult. But when you explore your identity, you will have greater peace and contentment within yourself. You will begin to take care of your own needs and not bow to social pressure. While there may be times you need to mask, you will be more authentically you without one. But remember to go at your own pace. This is your own journey.

Tips to unmask as an autistic person