How to set boundaries as an autistic person

Let’s talk about boundaries. You've probably heard about them before. Everyone says you need them in order to be mentally happy and healthy. Something that I agree with.

However, when you realise you are autistic later in life, you may also realise that you have no boundaries. Or you find it difficult to set and maintain them. But know that this is not because something is wrong with you!

There are many reasons why boundaries can be difficult for autistic and other neurodivergent people. We grow up being told our support needs are not important and this makes it hard for us to trust ourselves. It makes it hard for us to speak up when something is bothering us.

Setting boundaries is something that I have slowly been getting better at. But it is a process. And it can be hard to know where to begin. So, that’s why I've put this simple and basic boundary guide together. If you want to know what boundaries are and why they are important, keep on reading.

What is a boundary?

A boundary is an invisible line that defines what behaviors are important or acceptable to an individual. They can be physical, for example saying please do not touch me. Or they can be emotional, like please do not lie to me. Boundaries are our way of keeping us safe and happy. When we have good boundaries, we can keep other people’s unwanted attention, actions, and attitudes away.

Boundaries can differ from person to person. They can also differ depending on the situation we are in. For example, boundaries in the workplace will be different than boundaries with friends or family. And they define our expectations of ourselves and our relationships with other people. Setting boundaries is fundamental for our self-care.

Why Boundaries Are Important For Autistic People

As I’ve mentioned before, setting boundaries is a form of self-care. And it is important, as autistic people, that we have boundaries and we enforce them. But why?

To put things mildly, autistic and other neurodivergent people live in a world that is not designed for us. Sensory activities, like being in a crowd, can make life a nightmare to navigate. We are constantly being forced outside of our comfort zone by neurotypical people. And some people can capitalize on our lack of boundaries to take advantage of us.

That is why it is important to have well-defined boundaries.

Strong boundaries can:

• Keep us out of invalidating relationships and situations

• Keep us safe from predators who want to take advantage of us

• Help us build our self esteem

• Give us confidence to stand up for our support needs.

• Help us to save our energy (which is already in short supply for many ND people)

• Help us to build an overall happier and satisfying life.

Why It Can Be Hard For Autistic People To Set Boundaries

Setting and maintaining boundaries is a skill that can be learned. But it is not easy. Especially for autistic people who did not learn how to set healthy boundaries as a child.

Being constantly invalidated makes us believe that our needs are not important. Trauma from bullying, unsafe environments and forced compliance can make boundaries unclear and confusing. And we also have processes like low interoceptive awareness and alexythemia. These can make it harder to recognise when a boundary is needed.

But like any skill, it takes some practice to get things right. So, be kind to yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

How to create and maintain boundaries as an autistic person

Take Time To Know Yourself

An important first step in knowing your boundaries is knowing what you don’t want in life. Boundaries are our filter. They keep out toxic and dangerous influences. The first step in setting a boundary? Pay attention to things that make you uncomfortable and hurt you. It is not healthy when someone dismisses you or causes you distress. It may feel familiar – many autistic people grew up feeling invalidated – but it doesn’t make it okay. When someone uses your autism or other disability against you, this is also not okay. Start noticing actions and words you don’t like. How do they make you feel? You can make a list if you need to.

Validate Your Feelings

Autistic, and other neurodivergent people have been conditioned to think our needs do not matter. We are often told we are ‘too sensitive’. And this is just when we are asking for our basic needs. Our trauma responses and triggers can also make it hard for us to trust ourselves.

However, if something bothers you or feels harmful, you are allowed to say that. Your feelings are valid. Your needs matter and you should be allowed to express them.

If a person or situation makes you uncomfortable, this is a clear sign you need to set a boundary.

Ask If It Is Safe To Set A Boundary

Setting boundaries can be a painful experience for many autistic and other neurodivergent people. For many, if you resisted orders as a child, you were met with emotional and physical violence.

And because of that, setting boundaries can be a triggering experience.

But you know your situation best. If you do not feel safe setting a boundary, that’s okay. You can always approach someone you trust to discuss boundaries when you feel grounded.

If you are in a toxic environment, this is a different story. Setting a boundary can be at best draining or at worst, dangerous. While it is important to set boundaries for yourself in these situations, please be careful when doing so. As I've said, you know your situation best. And your safety should always come first before anything else.

Express Yourself

This can be the hardest part when it comes to boundaries. There are many people who will try and push our boundaries. And it can be hard to say that something is making us uncomfortable.

When someone does or says something that makes you uncomfortable or hurts you, call them out on it. The first time you do this, it can be hard. Assume that people do not mean to hurt you.

You can start off with an easy statement such as ‘When you do that, it makes me [ignored/whatever you are feeling]. I really do not like [touching/noises/whatever is bothering you].’

People who care will apologise and try not to do that thing anymore. They will not get it perfectly the first time around and will slip up. But they will do their best to not hurt you that way again.

However, there are some people who will not take you or your boundaries seriously. They might laugh or ignore you the first time you set a boundary. When they keep pushing you, you need to be stern. You can say something like, ‘I mean it. I hate it when you do that, it is not okay. Stop it.’

This can be where family members or friends may not understand why you ‘suddenly’ seem to have a problem now. And it can be hard to set boundaries with people who are close to you. When you are not used to setting boundaries, you may have a lot of anger and frustration that has built up over the years. Try not to let your anger take over and turn your boundary declaration into an all-out fight. Which bring us onto my next point.

Put Some Physical Distant Between You And The Other Person

When you feel that anger and frustration build up, it can be helpful to put some physical distance between you and the other person. Not all boundaries will need a physical component, but some will. And by physical component, I mean:

• Walking away to cool off during an argument

• Hanging up the phone to keep you safe from abusive language.

• Shutting your bedroom or office door.

• Turning off your work phone or emails after a certain hour

• Not answering calls you know will be triggering.

• Physically leaving an event when you feel it is time to go.

• Using body language to indicate you are ‘done’ (turning away or crossing your arms)

You may have heard the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words.’ Mindful physical actions can strengthen your boundaries by showing your resolve.

Negotiate If You Need To

Sometimes you may need to negotiate your boundaries. This can be in relationships when you let the other person know how you are feeling but still need to remind them you love them. Or in work, when you need to complete tasks but not burn out at the same time.

If you need to negotiate boundaries, you can say something like:

• I'm angry and need to take a walk to cool down. I'll be back in 15 minutes and we can talk then.

• I am unable to do that task right now. I can do it after 2PM.

• I am unable to make it out tonight. However, we can meet up next Saturday instead, if that works for you?

These types of boundaries reassure the other person and let them know you are working with them. However, they will not work in toxic situations. In those circumstances, you need to be firm with your boundaries and keep yourself safe.

Protect Yourself With Self Care

Setting boundaries can take a lot of energy. So, it is important that you also practice self care. When you set a boundary, you can be emotionally amped up after. This is where grounding techniques are helpful. The 5-4-3-2-1 method or changing your temperature can help discharge your energy and calm you. Exercise and stimming can also work.

There is also an emotional toll that boundaries can take on you. Journalling and validating your feelings are crucial when maintaining boundaries.

What To Do If Someone Disrespects Your Boundary

In a perfect world, you set your boundary once and everyone respects it. But, people who are used to having unlimited access to you will not respect your boundary so easily. Some never will. They will either find ways to get around your boundary or directly challenge it. This is where you need to be strong and firm.

To deal with this, you can:

• Repeat your boundary word for word. Be sure to use simple and clear language and do not negotiate.

• Remember you are not trying to change their behaviour. Boundaries are about changing yours so you can take your power back.

• Physically remove yourself from the situation if you are able to.

• Remind yourself of your why. Why is this boundary so important to me? Remembering your why will help you hold onto your boundary long term.

• Remind yourself that if someone is upset that you set a boundary, it means that boundary needed to be set. You did the right thing and put yourself first.

Final Thoughts

Setting boundaries is hard. And you will be bad at it at the beginning. This is not meant to discourage you. But to remind you that healthy boundaries is a communication skill that takes years to master. I want you to understand that setting boundaries is a process. Autistic people have grown up believing that our support needs do not matter. And this can make it difficult to set boundaries.

But do not give up! Your support needs are important. You are important. You know your situation best. And setting boundaries can help you keep safe and happy.